Why self-compassion is the ultimate life hack
Learning how to be kind to yourself more empowers you to care for yourself better.
KARIN CHAN13 Jan 2025 02:00pm
The best way to think of and practise self-compassion is to be a good friend to yourself. Pexels
A big reason for low confidence and self-esteem is because we often hold ourselves to a much higher standard than we do our family, friends, and even strangers. It doesn’t help that we’re in an age where social media overexposure encourages us to constantly compare ourselves with others.
This is where self-compassion can make a real difference.
Dr Kristin Neff, a leading expert in self-compassion, notes that to be human is to experience suffering, failure, and imperfection. Therefore, she says, “instead of mercilessly judging and criticising yourself [...] self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with your failings”.
Being able to be compassionate towards yourself can help you be more emotionally resilient, have better relationships with yourself and with others, and live a more peaceful life overall. Let’s take a look at how we can do it.
What is self-compassion?
According to Neff, mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness are the three main elements of self-compassion.
Mindfulness: Being fully present and able to look at our situation from an outside perspective, enabling us to accept our suffering without getting overwhelmed by it.
Common humanity: Understanding that the painful experiences we have connect us all as part of the human experience, and that we are not alone in how we feel.
Kindness: Being kind, encouraging, and supportive to ourselves when we feel pain instead of critical or dismissive.
A few examples of having self-compassion include:
- Accepting mistakes you make and using them as growth opportunities
- Not guilt-tripping yourself for taking time to rest when you feel burned out
- Being able to accept, instead of suppress, intense emotions
- Being able to draw and hold boundaries without wanting to people please
- Being less afraid to fail and not being self-critical if it happens.
It’s important to note that self-compassion is not self-indulgence or self-pity, although it’s often used as an excuse for such.
Self-indulgence is understood as indulging in your own desires without restraint, which can be harmful to yourself. Self-compassion, on the other hand, understands that there are times to go easy and times to be disciplined to improve your situation.
Meanwhile, self-pity is about feeling sorry for yourself and thinking that only bad things happen to you, whereas self-compassion recognises that everyone experiences suffering.
How can you start practising self-compassion?
As a start, the best way to think of and practise self-compassion is to be a good friend to yourself.
So when you notice yourself saying unkind things to yourself in your mind, such as “you’ll never succeed” or “this will never work because you’re too dumb”, silence those voices and change the words you use.
Some suggestions you can try include:
Talking to yourself. Studies have found that people are better able to regulate their own emotions when they talk to themselves in the third person. Researchers also suggested that performance can improve by talking to yourself positively yet realistically. (For instance, “I’m improving” versus “I’m the best”.)
Journalling. If talking to yourself feels awkward, try journalling instead. Writing down your thoughts and feelings gives you a chance to examine them more objectively. You’ll be able to look back and identify triggers, common thought patterns, and coping strategies.
How self-compassion helps you
According to Neff’s research, people who are more self-compassionate are more likely to feel happy, optimistic, curious and connected, along with being less anxious, depressed and afraid of failure.
This emotional resilience is especially important in a world where comparison is rampant and unqualified judgment is common. Why should we be our own harshest critic when we can be our most compassionate ally instead?
A common saying is “to love others, love yourself first”. The same can be said for compassion. You can only give what you have, so to be able to be compassionate towards others, you must first be compassionate towards yourself.
So start small. Try saying something kind to yourself today and practising self-compassion more mindfully. The more you do it, the quicker it will become second nature — and the happier you may be as a result.
