Rumah Kita: A haven for unwed mothers

KUALA LUMPUR - Inside the courtyard of a medium-sized bungalow house in Pandan Jaya here, young children played, shrieking in joy. A young woman joined in, laughing in delight. Another young woman in a hijab cleared up the clutter, impervious to the hubbub.

It could be any grandparent’s house whose adult children and grandchildren were visiting for the weekend save for a few odd notes.

The women there were all young, either teenagers or young adults, and of varying races. There was one adult male but he did not seem related to any of the children. A little sign hangs on the wall proclaiming it as ‘Rumah Kita’ (Our Home) but the high walls surrounding the house give an impression of a fortress.

And the ‘matriarch’ present there was no wizened old person but a 22-year-old cherubic young woman wearing a hijab.

Nur Wardina Sophiellea Qistina Mohd Farid, fondly known as Sophie, helps run Rumah Kita, a shelter for girls and women who became pregnant out of wedlock or without their consent, and their babies. Despite her youth, Sophie is protective of the young women and children in the house, who are too young and vulnerable to bear society’s stigma.

"We are responsible for helping them. Some of them have been disowned so they don’t know where to go. They might kill themselves or become depressed so we have to help,” she told Bernama.

This streak of volunteerism did not happen by accident. Sophie’s late mother Vimmi Yasmin Razak started the shelter in 2015 and her aunt Suraya Razak now runs the place as chairman of Rumah Kita. Before that, Sophie would accompany her mother when Vimmi Yasmin went out to feed the homeless and urban poor in Kuala Lumpur.

Although Sophie has never found herself in "the family way” so to speak, she can empathise with the fear and anxiety the girls go through. She does not think anyone should be defined by a single mistake or an unfortunate incident, the worst thing to happen to them. And that assistance at the right time can help repair the trajectory of one’s life.

WOMEN BEAR THE STIGMA

There is a deep stigma against unwed mothers and out-of-wedlock pregnancies in Malaysia and the region, even if - or perhaps because - it is the result of sexual assault. As such, there are no publically available and specific statistics on the number of out-of-wedlock pregnancies.

Women’s rights activist Sumitha Shaanthinni Krishna said due to patriarchal norms in the region’s societies, women get the brunt of the blame for being unwed and pregnant. There is little societal repercussion for men who father children out of wedlock.

"Women are the bearer of family honour. So if women do anything ‘wrong’, meaning against cultural expectations, that means they have tarnished the family’s honour,” she said.

She said this leaves unwed mothers and pregnant girls extremely vulnerable and in a Catch-22 situation - disowned by family and rejected by society with few options. Although abortion is somewhat legal in Malaysia, it is usually done to save the life of the mother.

In the end, some are driven to abandon their child, which is a crime. Between 2020 and 2022, police recorded 256 cases of abandoned babies. Many are either adopted or grow up in government orphanages or welfare homes.

"If a woman becomes pregnant out of wedlock, she is judged by society. But if she has the child and abandons it, she is a bad mother and a criminal,” Sumitha added.

The government does not require the father’s information for any child born out of wedlock or nullius filius (the Latin term for an illegitimate child). If a father wants to claim parentage, they have to accompany the mother when registering the child’s birth.

According to the National Registration Department, there were 362,246 babies born without their father’s information from 2010 to 2019.

The stigma also follows the children. Due to the registration requirements, illegitimate children are more easily identified when they go through milestone events that require their birth certificates, such as starting school and marriage.

Rumah Kita staff can attest to the stigma, receiving insults mostly from their neighbours. The 25 occupants, including three orphans, at Rumah Kita are from all over Peninsula Malaysia. Some girls arrived seeking assistance, while some were referred by the Social Welfare Department or the police.

"Some say we are taking care of sinners. Others say we encourage pre-marital relations (by taking care of unwed mothers and children born out of wedlock,” Sophie said.

Her aunt Suraya concurred. "They all don’t like us here. They said I’m taking care of kids who crossed the line or I’m taking care of bad kids,” she said. LIGHTS IN THE DARK

But amid all the negativity, there are bright spots of light. The way the six-month-old girl at Rumah Kita laughs as her mother - unable to get married because her boyfriend is stateless - plays peek-a-boo, the way the orphans sidle up to the baby to sneak a kiss or a hug or the way a developmentally delayed woman in her 30s - raped and unable to identify her attackers due to her disability - becomes the children’s best partner-in-crime as they play together.

For Sophie, the brightest light was her mother Vimmi Yasmin who helped many girls and women lost in the dark, seeking a way out. She remembers Vimmi Yasmin helping a pregnant 12-year-old girl whose father had raped her. The shock she felt upon hearing the girl’s tale, who was only a few years than Sophie, sparked her interest in helping unwed mothers.

There are also girls whose youth and immaturity prevent them from fully understanding the permanent ramifications of their youthful indiscretions.

When Vimmi Yasmin passed away in November 2018, four days shy of Sophie’s 17th birthday, Sophie learned what it felt like to have one’s life shatter in a moment.

To say the effect was devastating would be an understatement although Vimmi Yasmin had been sickly for a few years.

"She died on a Friday. At that time, I had just woken up to go to school. She had passed in the hospital. I got a phone call from the hospital,” Sophie said, tearing up.

As the eldest of five children, two of whom are adopted, Sophie and two younger sisters had been taking turns staying at the hospital with their mother, running the household and going to school, while their father worked as a chef at a hotel.

With the phone call from the hospital, they effectively became a single-parent household. They were now dependent on their father’s income, having to figure out how to stretch his RM5,000 salary to feed six people in the Klang Valley.

Although the income did not technically place them under the poverty level, a study done by Universiti Malaya for the 2023 Budget found that a single parent with one child in the Klang Valley needs at least RM4,740 a month to live. For a parent with two children, the amount goes up to RM5,650.

Sophie spiralled after losing her mother. Her schooling suffered. She told Bernama although she passed every subject, her SPM (Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia) results were too poor for her to attend university without help.

Her aunt Suraya suggested she apply for assistance from the Youth Empowerment Foundation (YEF), which approved her application.

Sharifah Aimi Wahidah, trainee management executive at YEF, said the foundation’s main function is to help orphans and those with single parents or come from poor families to continue their studies after SPM.

"The challenge in YEF is trying to convince some youths to continue their studies,” she said.

Luckily, that was not the case with Sophie. YEF provided Sophie with an allowance and enrolled her in a pre-diploma programme at Universiti Teknologi MARA, which included business administration classes and how to run a non-governmental organisation formally. She was also named YEF 2024 Exemplary Female Trainee.

The charity also provides temporary lodgings for orphaned trainees and out-of-town trainees to ease their transition into independent adult life. Some of their trainees include children who grew up in government orphanages and charitable homes.

A LEG UP

The existence of charities that give women and children a leg up until they are independent and able to take care of themselves is vital, especially for Malaysia’s future. But activists lament that more such services are needed and that they are not enough to meet demand.

Sumitha, the women’s rights activist, said the mindset in regards to family honour and patriarchy need to change in lockstep with the times.

"Everybody has their own set of circumstances. Don’t be so judgemental. The women and children are not criminals. We should be more humane,” she said.

But change, if it happened, would likely occur gradually. But there are some encouraging signs. While pre-marital sex and pregnancies out of wedlock are still very taboo, more and more families seem to be willing to accept their daughter and her child, albeit under the veil of secrecy.

In the meantime, Sophie hopes there will be more focus on preventing teenage pregnancies and unwed motherhood in schools and elsewhere, such as through sex education or condom usage.

"We have to focus on prevention before cases increase further,” she said. One of the reasons her mother started Rumah Kita was to reduce the number of abandoned babies in society.

Suraya agreed, adding a good way to prevent future problems was to assist the women and children become productive members of society. She said many of the girls who sheltered at her home were smart girls. They just need a second chance.

"They are educated but sheltered,” she said. - BERNAMA