The chore war - how to stop fighting about housework
ARE you one of those moms who has a secret fantasy of going on strike? Not from a job, but from your second shift at home? It's a recurring one for many women, apparently, because how else do you make a family understand the point of unpaid housework drudgery that almost everyone takes for granted?
It's the daily repetitive slog of getting dinner, getting the laundry done, getting the sheets changed, getting the cat litter cleaned, getting the kids school letters signed, and picking up the trail of other people's mess. There is something unbelievably tempting about the idea of just leaving everyone to stew in their own mess and seeing how long it takes for everyone to realise that these chores don't exactly complete themselves.
Yet for most women, the feeling of irrational guilt about what might befall a household left to fend for itself looms over their heads. But why does this plague women and not men? And why is it that we feel this incredible guilt when our partners are just out there chilling and doing the bare minimum?
According to KIN & KiDS Marriage and Family & Child Therapy Centre director Charis Wong, it all boils down to different upbringings and the roles of husband and wife in terms of household chores.
"Social-economic status is also a factor; the partner who grew up doing his or her share of housework is more likely to continue this role. The one who did not may need to learn housework.
"The one who saw his or her mother doing all the housework may expect the wife to do likewise. The one who grew up in a family where house chores are done by helpers may not be willing to do them in their own home," she told Sinar Daily.
Logically, this should not be a problem in modern times. It’s nearly half a century since many movements have highlighted the injustice of ignoring unpaid female domestic labour, without which modern economies could not function; a good three decades since American sociologist Arlie Hochschild argued in her book The Second Shift that feminism had freed women to go out to work but not yet liberated them from coming home to piles of laundry.
It’s not a difficult concept to grasp, yet still here we are, endlessly having to argue that domestic labour isn’t just a domestic matter and that the dirty secret of who does what at home still constrains what knackered women can achieve in the wider economy.
Wong relates that, generally, women have taken on the role of managing the household for centuries.
"So even when today's modern women go out daily to work, they still feel responsible for the housekeeping. It goes back to our culture and the generations that we grew up in.
"But this isn't really the case in different parts of the world. I'm told by several Scandinavians whom I've encountered that all domestic and childcare responsibilities are considered an equal shared responsibility," she said.
So how do we stop bickering about household chores? The key Wong said is communication, as however minor and monotonous these tasks may be, how we deal with them (or not) can lead to quarrels.
"This is why I advocate for premarital counselling.
"Discuss these practical things before you get married. It's really important to communicate the expectations and roles of each partner. The first year of marriage and living together is usually challenging because the couple is navigating the daily details of their marriage life, such as house chores.
"For example, a wife who insists that house chores be done by themselves and is upset that the husband doesn't want to do his share A husband who is tired after a long day of work and would rather spend quality time with his wife, get a cleaner, or grab food "At the end of the day, this is about each partner's needs, expectations, understanding of cultural and personality differences, and the ability to willingly collaborate and compromise," she told Sinar Daily.
According to the Psych Central website, couples also need to understand that when dividing chores, not every task is visible and not all tasks are physical.
"A stay-at-home parent may spend the day driving their kids to school and back, scheduling paediatrician visits, being a comfort to their crying child, and staying on hold for an hour while calling the insurance company. No doubt these tasks are important; it would be easy to dismiss the mental load paid to them because it wasn’t physically taxing.
"If someone is the primary homemaker, it’s fair to have them take on the majority (not all!) of housework while the other person is away at work, but it’s important to keep in mind the emotional and mental output these tasks require," the website states.
Chores are no fun, and of course it's natural for couples to squabble over whose turn it is to do what. But if you approach chores as a battle or something that you dread, that negative attitude will find its way into your relationship.
As simple as it may sound, communication really does wonders, and the simple term 'teamwork makes the dream work' can really improve how couples approach chores at home.
