No such thing as divorce between children, parent - Educator

KUALA LUMPUR – When couples go through a divorce, it has a significant impact on the children, whether during the process of getting the divorce up until the point that it has been finalised, but the relationship between the parents and the children should not be affected.

Women empowerment, family development and parenting educator Datuk Dr Harlina Halizah Siraj said there was no such thing as a divorce between a child and their parents, even if the parents decided to end their relationship.

She said there was a big impact on the children throughout the process as they would need to adjust to many changes in their lives.

“Whatever happens between the two of you, your children, regardless of age, must go on with their lives as usual.

“But of course, that’s impossible because now they can see that one of their parents is not there, for example, one of them will move out.

“They have to adjust to a new life and they are most probably never going to have the same life they had before, and that can be very impactful,” she said during the Sinar Daily’s live show Relatable: Young and Divorced earlier today.

The show aired live on Sinar Daily’s social media platforms from Dome Bangsar Shopping Centre, here, which was attended by Women’s Aid Organisation Services Director Charlene Murray and entrepreneur Chiq Ruslan as panellists.

Dr Harlina further said that divorced parents must also avoid talking bad about each other to their children since that would also impact their children emotionally.

“The worst that can happen is when the parents talk bad about each other to their children.

“They have to remember that when they say bad things about their spouse or ex, that is the father or mother of the children, so they need to make sure that does not happen,” she added.

She mentioned parents should not take psychological impact on their children lightly by saying that their children were fine with what happened because they were not fine and their responses would differ according to their age.

“Those that will take it worse are the ones in primary school where they blame themselves, and for teens, they will be angry with their parents

Dr Harlina also said that the conflicts faced during and after the divorce process could have a psychological impact on women and children in the situation.

“When the divorce is inevitable, then the sense of failure will hit you and you will start to have grief because you are losing your marriage, which is a status symbol in our society.

“And getting a divorce is the same as losing someone dear to you, and you went through all the grief process as you feel the anger and denial, also as you try to bargain to save the relationship as you put the blame on yourselves.

“Depression can be very real. We need to give the couple time to get through this and with our society’s mindset where women are blamed for divorce, this does not help the process of grief for women,” she said.

Dr Harlina also highlighted the importance of family support where the family members, such as the children’ grandparents, uncles and aunties should be there for them during the tough times to avoid them from being emotionally scarred from their parent’s separation.

This support could also help the children, especially when the parents might be immersed with their own problems and end up neglecting their children, Dr Harlina said.

She added that parents who had considered getting a divorce should ensure that their separation would leave the least impact on their children, where they could consider co-parenting or other ways to do that.

A 2016 study by Psychology Today suggests that couples who marry before the age of 28 are more likely to divorce than those who tie the knot a bit late in life.

Another study in 2013 that interviewed 52 divorced couples found a strong correlation between young marriage and early divorce.

Malaysia Statistics Department had also recorded a decrease in divorce cases from 56,624 in 2019 to 45,754 in 2020.