THE moment you step into a family gathering, the questions start rolling in. "Bila kamu nak kahwin?" or "When are you getting married?".
It's a question many unmarried individuals have come to expect, often bracing themselves for a fight-or-flight response. For those who have passed what society deems the 'marrying age', these inquiries can feel intrusive, even offensive.
But before raising our defenses, let’s take a step back and consider the intent behind these questions. More often than not, your uncles and aunties mean no harm. They do not intend to offend or pressure you; rather, they are seeking to reconnect, to catch up on your life.
In many Asian families, frequent gatherings beyond festive seasons are a rarity. Some relatives only see each other once a year, if at all. Naturally, they feel out of the loop, and their way of bridging that gap is through small talk.
The Language of Unspoken Emotions
Asian households, particularly older generations, are not accustomed to openly expressing emotions. They were not taught to articulate their longing, love, or vulnerability. Many keep their feelings to themselves, making their warmth difficult to detect. When they do see you, they struggle to communicate how much they’ve missed you.
Instead, they turn to the most familiar and indirect form of affection: questions. "Dah makan?", "Dah kahwin ke belum?", "Dah ada anak ke belum?".
These are not meant to pry into your personal life but rather to initiate conversation in a way that feels natural to them. They are attempts to create an intimate exchange, something they hope you will willingly share.
The Influence of Doublespeak
This form of indirect communication is what we call doublespeak—a skill subtly inherited from colonial influences. The British, for example, are masters of doublespeak.
When an Englishman comments on the rain, they are rarely talking about the weather; rather, they use it as a metaphor for their emotions. Instead of burdening someone with, "I feel down today," they say, "Awful weather we're having, isn’t it?"
We, too, have absorbed this way of communicating. Our elders have learned it from the generations before them, weaving it into everyday conversations without even realising it.
Recognising this can help us shift our perspective. Instead of taking their questions as an invasion of privacy, we can see them as an effort to engage and show care.
Doublespeak is not just about avoiding direct confrontation; it is a social lubricant, a way to keep conversations polite and non-threatening. It allows people to discuss sensitive topics without making anyone feel uncomfortable.
For instance, when an elder asks about marriage, they might not actually be interested in the logistics of your romantic life—they might simply be expressing their hope for your future happiness or even projecting their own experiences and expectations onto you.
Moreover, doublespeak is often used to maintain social harmony. In many Asian cultures, direct speech can be perceived as rude or too forward. By phrasing personal concerns as casual inquiries, older generations are adhering to an unspoken rule of etiquette—one that prioritises subtlety over bluntness.
Navigating the Conversation with Grace
So how do we respond? The best approach is to acknowledge their concern with warmth. If the question is about marriage, a simple, "Please pray for my best," not only diffuses any tension but also invites them to feel included in your journey. It is a beautiful way to make them feel valued and allow them to contribute spiritually to your life.
Additionally, shifting the conversation can be an effective way to engage without feeling cornered. You might ask them about their own experiences, their childhood, or how they met their spouse.
This not only redirects the focus but also provides them with an opportunity to share their stories, wisdom, and cherished memories. Conversations are a two-way street, and sometimes, giving them the space to talk about themselves makes them feel more connected to you in return
As we gather for Hari Raya, let’s choose understanding over defensiveness. Let’s appreciate the subtle ways our elders express love, even if it comes wrapped in seemingly intrusive questions.
After all, the real question we should be asking is: How many times do we kiss on the cheeks—twice or three times?
Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin.
Muhammad Naim Muhamad Ali, PhD, also known by the moniker Naim Leigh, is a Communication and Media Studies lecturer at the University of Wollongong Malaysia. The views expressed in this article are his own and do not necessarily reflect those of Sinar Daily.