'It's okay not to be okay': Importance of understanding unique ways of grieving

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Photo for illustration purposes only. - 123RF

There has to be a balance between grieving, living, coping and moving on.

Photo for illustration purposes only. - 123RF
SHAH ALAM - Everyone has their own way of grieving, as people handle emotions differently and there is no right or wrong way to do it.

Fitness icon Kevin Zahri understood this deeply, acknowledging that human feelings and emotions can vary greatly from person to person.

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He said each individual likely has their own way of coping with grief and he was no exception.

"Everybody has different ways to grieve. I do too. My wife has different ways of grieving as well.

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"She feels the need to cry and sometimes tries to make me cry as well.

"I would tell her to stop correcting my feelings because I prefer to cry when I'm alone. I don't like crying in front of people." he said during Sinar Daily's She Leads programme entitled "Elevating the Fitness of Your Mind and Body" held at the Karangkraf Complex, here.

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Kevin, whose father passed away earlier this month said his approach to grieving reflected his need for solitude during emotional moments.

He revealed that during those times, some connections could drain his emotional energy, while others may replenish it.

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He added that when he was grieving, he did not like making new connections because it could be exhausting and preferred to stay in a comfortable and familiar space.

"Losing my father was not as tough as losing my mother, whose death was the first I had to learn to deal with.

"I have lost two family members to suicide, who were my grandfather and my brother, but my mother's was the toughest since she was the first while I was dealing with my studies in my early 20s in the United States (US).

"Distance and being alone made it all worse; I cried a lot during my final year of studies," he shared.

He further suggested ways of coping, such as balancing grieving and developing a healthy coping mechanism so as not to be too devoured by grieving moments.

Kevin said by understanding individual ways of coping and recognising the sources of stress, can help navigate a person's life's challenges with greater resilience and emotional well-being.

"Everyone mourns and even does it for the rest of their lives as a way of remembering, but it is important to have something to snap ourselves out of it when overdone by developing a healthy coping mechanism, where for me, I would do physical exercise," he said.

He added that he would also compensate for his sadness by achieving through academics and other good things.

Kevin said there has to be a balance between grieving, living, coping and moving on and reminded people that "it is okay not to be okay."

During the programme, Kevin also shared valuable advice for managing stress, particularly for women who juggled multiple roles and responsibilities.

He encouraged people to approach every task, chore and responsibility by imagining each one as a small marble.

He said in today's world, the reason mental health could feel so overwhelming was because people have so many marbles to juggle.

"Sometimes certain marbles like your family, money, social media, work, things get in the way and marbles tend to get overwhelming.

"What I always try to do, I imagine my plate, I always try to take out as many things as I can so that I only have to juggle two or three or four marbles at a time.

Kevin pointed out that social media often led people to take on multiple roles, which can become overwhelming and stressful.

He likened this to a collection of marbles overwhelming one's plate.

To manage this, he advised people to step back, assess their workload and identify stress triggers and once identified, plan to address or reduce them.

Regarding job-related stress, Kevin emphasised the importance of distinguishing between acute and chronic situations.

Acute stress, such as during tax season or holidays, was temporary and manageable for short periods.

In such cases, pushing through was feasible, knowing the workload will soon return to normal.

However, chronic stress, recurring month after month or year after year, indicates deeper work-life balance issues.

Kevin recommended evaluating the need for changes in job environment, communication with superiors, or other factors.

Identifying and addressing these specific issues was also crucial for developing a systematic solution, he added.

Meanwhile, clinical psychologist Yasmin Khan who was also one of the panellists on the programme emphasised the importance of reaching out to human connections when feeling down, especially while grieving someone's loss.

She emphasised the importance of human connection in filling the void left by grief and suggested that seeing a psychologist could be beneficial, despite the existing taboos and stigma surrounding it.

Yasmin who also recently lost a family member, her brother said grief would cause sadness to a normal person the same way it would to a clinical psychologist.

"I am tied to the fact that it (grieving) impacts everyone.

"Recent experience, everyone would turn to me in the family and be like, oh, you're the strong one, you can handle it because you're a CP (clinical psychologist) and you can do it.

"No, I can't. I handle grief completely different from what you all think just because I know in that moment you won't," she said during the programme.

She said emotions and personalities can vary significantly and each person has their own unique way of thinking adding that it was crucial to understand that everyone has their own way of handling situations.

She also suggested the importance of communicating with higher-ups in a work setting so as not to disturb work performance and have people expect their mental state when they were dealing with loss.