SHAH ALAM - When the doctor told me the only way to remove the growth from my womb was to remove my entire womb, I didn’t blink.
Endometriosis is what he called it. A painful disorder in which tissue lining in the uterus grows outside the uterus, involving the ovaries, fallopian tubes and the tissue lining the pelvis.
Before the surgery, the pain was paralysing.
But after the surgery and after the drugs wore off, reality hit me - like a tonne of bricks. The words screamed in my head. I would not conceive. It was a reel repeatedly running in my head like the chorus of a horrible song.
I tried to convince myself I probably misheard the doctor. Surely not. Surely there must be another way. I willed myself to calm down till I had another talk with my doctor. Hours later, he confirmed my fears.
Paralysed with overwhelming sadness, I did not think of asking him for alternatives, even though I had all these questions in my head and no one to direct at. I didn’t know. Would any of my friends or their family have gone through this?
Would my male doctor understand my emotion I was feeling now as a woman? Would a therapist who hasn’t had a hysterectomy be able to explain my grief to me? Who do I ask? Where do I turn to? Am I alone in this?
So, I turned to Google (as we often do), hoping to find articles on how to cope. They were few and far between. The ones that did reach out to me didn’t help.
And then I realised what the problem was. If I was ashamed at that moment about losing my ability as a woman to have a child, there must be tons of ladies out there that have gone through the same but are ashamed to speak out. I knew I had to get through this myself. And finally, speaking out about the grief I was feeling is how I got through the most harrowing experience in my life.
Accepting
I had to ask myself if having my child was more important than staying alive for my family. The answer was resounding no. Being alive for the people I love was the utmost important factor in this situation. When it becomes too much, look around and find the people worth fighting for. Acceptance will come much easier once you have established this.
Facts
I read all I could about having a hysterectomy. From complications that could arise during surgery to grieving the impending loss of fertility. What could I expect after the procedure? I spoke to my doctor. I asked him every question that came to mind, even though that didn’t make sense. I got lucky in the sense that I had a doctor that was able to calm my fears and had the patience of a saint.
I went into the surgery feeling safe. And that is vital. If you lack confidence in your doctor, you should ask for a second opinion. It is your right to go into that operating theatre confident that you are capable, and I was satisfied that I was in competent hands.
Support
At that moment, I felt I needed to speak to someone that would know what I was going through, but in essence, all I needed was someone to sit there and hold my hand while I cried all my emotions out.
I was fortunate to have family and friends who never once left me alone. Some who tirelessly travelled hours from another state to spend the night in the hospital with me so I wouldn’t be alone. Some came and sat with me daily to ensure my spirits were up.
The bottom line was to talk to someone, anyone who would listen. That emotional support is critical. Whether you are an empowered business owner, a CEO or a sitting on a board of directors, you will still need that emotional support, so don’t be afraid to reach out to your family and friends. It doesn’t take away your independence or your strength or the entirety of the grief, but it does make it somewhat better.
Options
As the operation date gets closer, you will feel a more profound fear: Am I going to be less of a woman because my body will no longer be capable of doing what a woman’s body was by evolution made to do?
I was presented with options by my doctor. Adoption and surrogacy as my eggs were still viable. While these were options, honestly, it did not bring much comfort, but it did get me a bit of relief as I had options. So I told myself to put these options on the back burner and focus on the task at hand. Removing the growth.
Finally, the time came. I was wheeled into the operating theatre. Four hours later, the growth and womb were removed. At this point, I was unsure which was worse, the pain of losing my womb or the pain. I eventually overcame the pain of losing my womb and was determined to heal both internally and physically with this new lease of life
However, if this ever happens, don’t expect to leave that hospital as nothing has changed. Mentally, emotionally and physically, you will not return to normal immediately.
Pain
The first time I felt the pain of the stomach spasms hit post-surgery, I started questioning my sanity with going through the surgery. Is this pain worth the initial pain I was feeling? I wasn’t sure which was worse, to be honest. Learning breathing techniques somewhat helped me when the spasms hit.
Video calling my family and friends was one of to distract from my pain. However, don’t shy away from asking your doctor for medication if you really cannot take the pain. Every time the pain was too unbearable, I called for sedatives.
However, it is vital to speak to your doctor about the possibility of becoming addicted. If you feel there is a possibility of such a thing happening, ask your doctor for other options. Do not suffer through the pain, as that will magnify the emotional and mental grief you are feeling. I could not control my emotions, but at least I could handle the pain.
Mood swings
You will feel like you want to cry and laugh simultaneously. And none of this will make sense. You will feel that overwhelming sense of grief again. Please don’t hold it in. Cry. Laugh. Cry and laugh again. Scream if you have to. Vent your anger at the unfairness if you have to.
Call your family and friends, even if it is to cry or vent or laugh for no apparent reason. However, don’t make the doctors or the nurses the target of your emotions. It is not their fault. They are the very people that will play a significant part in helping you heal and get back on your feet. A lesson I learned as part of the process.
Strength
And on top of it all, you will have to endure fertile women everywhere. You will also have to endure friends and family talking about the accolades of their existing children. Remember, it is not anyone’s fault this happened to you, so don’t be bitter about all this baby talk.
And this is where those adoption and surrogacy options you put on the back burner come into play. When you are ready, start exploring them, but give yourself time to heal.
One day, someone will ask me, "Isn’t it fantastic not having periods?” Yes, it is fantastic, as I am sure most women would agree, but deep down, there is still an emptiness that only time will heal. Or I may never recover. This emptiness may never go away, but I know I will survive this. You will survive this.
And when I feel like I’m less of a woman, I remind myself that my uterus was only an extension of what makes me a woman. It is not everything that makes me a woman. It was making me endure the worse kind of pain and misery month after month, so it was time for it to go...just like a bad relationship.
Cassandra Elizabeth Praba is a reader of Sinar Daily. The views expressed in this article are the author's own and do not necessarily reflect those of Sinar Daily.